Check yo self before you wreck yo self: The sexual health clinic of dreams

Is this a taboo topic? What year are we in? I’m not sure anymore. But like anyone else who suffers even the mildest of anxiety, certain seemingly-easy tasks such as popping to the clinic, can induce an onset of stress, panic and sweating (sexy.) But you have to go. It’s important to look after yourself as you get older and this is just one very important part of being an ‘adult.’

Well, fear not! I’ve done the hard work for you and I can confirm you don’t have to wait for 4 hours to be quizzed about your cheating ex boyfriend and then wait a week to get your results.

Introducing Dean Street Express. The clinic of dreams. Located in Soho, it’s free, quick and… well it’s kind of fun. Let me explain.


So you go online and book an appointment and then you worry till the day as all rational people do. When you arrive, you check in on an interactive screen. No need for a nurse to ask you all those questions about your shitty ex lovers. The diverse, refreshingly-friendly team of staff are there to help if you’re the type of person who struggles at the self checkout, after which you are given a big rubber capsule which holds promises of fun for later on (read on to find out.)

After you pop this into your bag you head down the stairs to get your bloods done. It’s all very modern and not clinical at all. They play nice music, the wallpaper is fun and distracting – what more could you want?

The blood test was quick and easy, even for me who has ‘paper veins’ as my GP calls them. After this you head upstairs with your rubber capsule to do your swab. There are four screening rooms – i.e. toilets that look like you’re in a trendy club. In you go and on the mirror a video plays showing you how to swab incase you weren’t sure. Then you do your swab, whilst listening to some Drake from the built-in speakers, and you pop it into the futuristic tube and like some space age miracle, it just shoots off.

Then you just leave. I couldn’t believe it. 10 minutes, in and out. They have a lab next door where they test all the bloods and samples so you get your results within 6 hours via text. And any problems they just text you with your next steps.

Well there you go. I accept flowers and monetary gifts for informing you all of this.



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